I was going to make a video about this, but I had a hard enough time saying it out loud to Paul and my mother. I can’t imagine saying this into a camera and then somehow getting the courage to post it. So, for now, I will only address this via text. What can I say - I’m a writer who prefers to hide behind her words.
Now I am just trying to distract myself.
Because this is extremely personal (and I suspect, will be very long), I am posting it under a cut. Bottom line - this blog is about to undergo a complete overhaul.
Because as of Thursday, I am seeking treatment for an eating disorder.
I know what you are thinking, because I thought it, too.
I don’t have an underweight BMI.
I don’t throw up my food.
I don’t binge.
I don’t starve myself.
I know I have admitted before that I had an eating disorder when I was in high school. And that when things get really stressful, I tend to fall back into those tendencies.
What I haven’t told you is that those “tendencies” have been a very consuming part of my life for probably the last year.
Last summer, I restricted my intake quite a bit (~800 calories a day? Maybe?). When I moved in with my roommate, I decided that I couldn’t get away with eating like that anymore, so I bumped up my intake to 1200 (though, I honestly rarely hit that total, and I probably burned off most of that anyway). I also started taking laxatives unnecessarily (though I never exceeded the recommended dose on a given day, I would take them every day for several days in a row), and diuretics to counter the water retention.
When Paul and I started dating, I realized very quickly that he was the one. I knew I couldn’t continue in our relationship doing these things, so I forced myself to get healthier. I found this community, and thought that, as long as I was surrounded by positive, healthy influences, I would be able to deal with everything and get better on my own.
If you have ever had an eating disorder, you know this was very delusional of me.
While the active behaviors (for the most part) stopped, the mindset never left me. It has haunted me through every meal, every snack, every splurge that I didn’t plan, every workout. When I lost my period, I refused to believe (at first) that I had caused it with my overexercising or low intake. I decided to up my intake, just in case, but as those of you who have followed me in the last few months, you know that I have yo-yoed from eating “enough” to too much to too little to whatever it is now. I don’t even know, to be honest. I set a magic number in my head every day for the next day, and if I exceed that, I panic the rest of the day/night.
I had several friends in my real life and on here tell me they thought I had an eating disorder. That I worked out too much, was eating too little, had serious issues with food. While I brushed it off to them, these accusations planted a seed - I started watching myself more closely.
Last week, I went to dinner with Paul. The waitress got my order wrong, and while it was probably an equally healthy omelet as the one I ordered, I could not eat it. I started freaking out, on the verge of tears, heavy breathing, shaking and I just wanted to pay and leave. Paul got the waitress to fix it, and I ate, but that moment of sheer panic - it hit me that something was really wrong.
So I scheduled an appointment with the therapist I saw when I was recovering from self-injury and my suicide attempt in 2008. I decided that I would tell her everything, see what she said, and go from there. After not even half of the session, she said that she wanted to start seeing me regularly (once a week) to treat me for an eating disorder and body dysmorphic disorder. She is going to give me weekly assignments, and says that Paul has to be completely in the loop about all of it.
So after my session, Paul and I had to talk. That was the most painful conversation I have ever had. Because I know that doing this to myself, and keeping it to myself all this time, has hurt him. And I cannot bare that. Since the first conversation, he and I have had several conversations about it, including last night when I freaked out and ate too much pizza and the urge to purge hit me in the middle of my sister’s birthday party. If that was any indication, things are only going to get worse before they get better.
What does this mean for my blog? Well, I am allowed to work out (unless I get out of control - she’s reading my logs) and count calories (because that’s honestly what is keeping me in a healthy range), but I probably won’t post those kinds of things, unless my workout is really epic/triggering/epic fail. As it stands right now, this blog will definitely be more recovery-oriented. I toyed with the idea of creating a new blog specifically for my recovery, but I just don’t think it is necessary. You guys have been with me through so much else - why would I suddenly stop interacting with you just because I finally admitted I have a problem?
This is going to be really hard. I am going to have to admit things that I have contained within myself for years, never telling anyone. I am going to have to be careful not to overexercise (which, apparently, I am prone to do). I am going to have to build a healthy relationship with food and exercise and my own body (probably the hardest).
But I will do it. I have to. I have too much at stake that is worth so much more than this disease and what it has convinced me is waiting at the end of this self-destructive tunnel.
For now, I am not aliliveshealthy (because, let’s be honest, I don’t live healthy). But I am recovering, or at least trying. And I will recover from this. So please, watch as alirecovers.
This has taken me three days to write and grow the courage to post. I have never been more nervous to post something on this blog.>>
tagged as: fitblr. announcement. recovery. eating disorder. strengthblr. ednos.
- nogoalweight likes this
- jennyebrooke likes this
- throwaway-pleasesomebodyfindus likes this
- seeamandarun likes this
- tiffneydee likes this
- amori said: Ali, you are strong and you can do it! Things may get tough, but never forget that there are so many people that care for and are rooting for you!
- de-active-lb said: I’m glad you found help and are seeking treatment! You can do this!
- loveyourcareer likes this
- benitle said: Glad to hear you’re getting help, Ali! I hope you’ll get better soon.
- benitle likes this
- rebeccared likes this
- zombies likes this
- alittlebitfit said: Good to hear - glad you have so much support
- ashesofheroes likes this
- thepictureofhealth likes this
- fatespectrum said: I am so proud of you for admitting this. I will stand with you through this.
- autumnmansfield1304 said: I am glad that you are getting help. I often worried about you, but since I do not know you well and you seemed to be taking steps to help you self I just hoped you were improving. Good luck with you new journey
- justfivemore said: the first step is admitting it, as cheesy as that sounds. i’m here for you always <3
- missmotivation likes this
- measuringtapes said: Ali, I couldn’t be prouder of you for admitting this, not only to all of us, but to yourself. You’re so strong, girl, and your desire to recover is a testament to that. Best of luck in everything, dear - you’ll be just fine. I can tell. :]
- 115skinny said: You can do it. You can recover and you deserve to recover! Good luck, beautiful <3
- womaninpearls likes this
- onlyatemp likes this
- thoughts-imogen-thoughts said: I am so proud of you for accepting this and seeking help. that’s one of the biggest hurdles out of the way. Stay positive, I know that you can recover. There is an amazing recovery community here on tumblr. I wish you so much luck for your recovery.
- agustofhealth said: you’re amazing :)
- agustofhealth likes this
- alirunsfromzombies posted this